Progress or Not

I wish I was a poetic writer like other blogs that I read
thats why I dont update that much, I write just in a very REAL way, I don’t know how to embellish and write elaborately in a poetic way
That was a big problem for me in college cause I would just write three sentences and that was the end of the story and my professor’s would write me a note on my papers that said “You need to elaborate!”
I’m not good with elaborating, I just write about what happened and that’s it,

and I’ve been blogging for over TEN years, but I just have been writing about what happened with my day and that’s it, no big moral to the story or anything like that and that’s all I can do;

Tonight I went to my trainer, I’ve been making sure that I keep up with my trainer
I enjoy working out with another person
but
I haven’t been going to the gym
I haven’t been eating “on diet”
I had cupcakes and carrot cake last week
yummy delicious gourmet cupcakes with a inch of frosting on them. They were sooooo good

I really feel like if I can stop eating cake and start running every other day, I will progress ALOT, I just don’t know how to force myself to do it

I have no discipline

I have been cooking my diet food every week and trying to eat that bland ass crap, some days I do, some days I don’t. It’s funny today my trainer said “after you leave here I want you to eat salmon and mixed vegetables” and I cringed because that is what I cook for myself to eat every night. I went straight from my training session to Joes Crab Shack and ate lobster and crab and a corn on the cob.

This journey to become a figure competitor is soo mentally challenging.
much more mentally frustrating than physically
I am not some super human mentally equipped Goddess, I am the average girl next door trying to fight for a dream and it’s very challenging

The good news is I’m not giving up

Physically I can do anything, but mentally I’m an infant
I give in to my every want and I don’t do anything I dont want to do
I have no self control
I eat everyhing I’m craving and I refuse to get out of bed and go to the gym
It is a wonder how I make it to my trainer every other day, sheer will
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this but I am clinically BiPolar and manically depressive
I only mention it now because I wonder if that is why I am mentally weak
I wonder if that is Why I have little self control and I give in to all my cravings and can’t get out of bed
anything that gives me a lil bit of happiness I chase after and alot of times that is CAKE…cake makes me happy….temporarily
I cannot force myself to go the gym
i cannot inspire myself to go the gym
I cannot threaten myself into going to the gym
Nothing will get me into the gym and its so upsetting to me
I have a mental block that will not let me step foot into the gym alone
my friend Angela joined a different local gym and I have thought about joining it for a month to go to the gym with her and get inspired by having a friend to go with, just to get myself into the gym
It costs more than my current gym per month. I pay $25 a month to LA Fitness (it’s all paid up front), and her gym is going to charge me $37 a month but I’m thinking about joining short term just so I get in the gym with a friend
my hope is that if I go to the gym with her for a month, the momentum will carry over to me going to my gym at LA Fitness
I have a race to run on March 9th and I’m not even training for it currently and I NEED to train for it
it’s too much for me
I’m trying
I wish I could try harder
but it just seems that I don’t have the mental strength to do so, to force myself to do things I dont want to do, I can’t do
My boyfriend says think positively and I will

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4 thoughts on “Progress or Not

  1. Aunt Akua January 22, 2013 at 1:34 pm Reply

    Vicky you are so hard on yourself. First of all what you write is so passionate and thoughtful. Don’t get hung up in what you think is the “structure” of poetry. Poetry speaks for and to people’s hearts. Most of us have not been diagnosed as “clinically” anything yet we can definitely relate to your troubles because they are ours as well.
    I continue to say what you have accomplished is admirable. You can take a break without feeling so guilty. I am ready to get in the groove. Maybe we can help each other. Once you realize that I can’t keep up with you you’ll feel better too. What do you think?
    Love
    Aunt Akua

    • Fat to Figure GIrl January 22, 2013 at 1:44 pm Reply

      I would love if you’d go to the gym with me, we both have memberships at LA Fitness

  2. Dre January 22, 2013 at 2:20 pm Reply

    I’ve been having the same struggles. You are not alone. I’m laying in bed as I type this with no motivation to get up and go to the gym (or anywhere else). I ate cake last night.

    Question: Do you have sleep apnea? That might be a big part of it. No one said our journey would be easy just because we want to change. The will is strong. Sometimes, the flesh is weak. It’s all about getting stronger.

    Train the brain with small changes first. Keep working with your trainer. Know that the process takes a while and just keep pushing.

  3. Fat to Figure GIrl January 22, 2013 at 2:38 pm Reply

    I don’t know if I have sleep apnea now. I did get checked for it about 4-5 years ago with a Sleep Study and they said I didn’t have it, but that may have changed. I do have bad insomnia though

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