Its been almost a year since I posted here, and I slept my way thru the last year. I struggle with depression and bipolar disease. My health insurance doesn’t cover a therapist which is what I need. My psychiatrist just pushes medicine which is her job so I don’t blame her. I really think having a job would help me, I need a firm reason to get out of bed and leave the house. I’ve been sending out resumes and calling my temp agency but to no avail. So I know that part of what triggered this last long bout of depression was having no money. I ran out of savings and it really depressed me that I couldn’t even afford my gym membership.
I am an emotional eater so I just ate cookies, pie, ice cream, muffins. I knew my eating was out of control but a big red flag occurred 2 weeks ago when I ate a half dozen doughnuts over a night. I just thought my eating was bad but this was ridiculous.
I stopped weighing myself a year ago but I knew I’d passed the 300 lb. mark because my walk is different. My boyfriend said he noticed my walk changed about 6 months ago but he never said anything about it to me. He tries to just be supportive of where I’m at in life.
Walking like a fat person really bugs the heck out of me. I’ve tried practicing walking my old way, but I physically can’t because my boobs and my arms are too big.
I threw out my fat clothes the last time I lost weight so I really have very few things I can wear now, which is fine because I don’t really go anywhere anyway. I do go to 3 meet-ups a month. 2 are book club meetings and 1 is a wine party for girl time. I went to a big New Years party, that I’ve been going to for the past 4 years. I stuffed myself into my dress and had a guy following my boobs around all night.
I hadn’t planned on trying to lose weight again because every time I try and fail, I gain more weight than I lost. But yesterday at my psychiatrist office they weighed me and took my blood pressure. My weight was 323 lbs. which is more than I’ve ever weighed in my life and my blood pressure is 155/111. I’ve never had high blood pressure before but because of my weight and inactivity I have it now. They prescribed me some blood pressure / anxiety pills called clonidine. Both of these things just made me face reality, I am getting bigger and sicker and it’s not stopping.
My boyfriend is like ‘well I’ve seen you lose it before, you can do it again”, but people don’t get it. I can’t do what I did before to lose weight because that got me back to this huge weight gain. I can’t do stuff that I can’t maintain. I can’t force myself to like doing stuff that I dislike doing, like cooking. I can’t be strict because that will cause me to binge.
I can make some small changes , that I enjoy and can maintain realistically, and see how they help.
1. One thing I’m going to do is stop drinking sugary juice and soda. I drink ALOT of juice, I was restocking my juice twice a week and sometimes I was buying gallons of cranberry juice. I would probably drink about 500 calories just in juice or soda per day, if not more. I’m switching back to Crystal light and changing from soda to flavored 0 calorie sparkling water. If I can cut the calories from what I drink, that would really help. I do drink alcohol once a week too but I’m not cutting that out.
2. Change breakfast. I’m going to stop eating sugary cereal and milk twice a day. I grab cereal in the middle of the night when I am hungry so I need to stop that. I’m going to try switching to eggs and toast for breakfast even though that involves cooking. If I can’t maintain that I will buy microwave breakfast sandwiches which can be expensive.
3. I have a problem where if I buy sweets , I eat them all and binge. I can’t lie and say I’m not going to buy sweets anymore, that is not realistic. I’ve thought hard about how I can do this. The only thing I can try to do is be a little balanced about it and eat just one serving. So those cookies that you bake, I can just bake 1 or 2 at a time instead of 6 like I normally do, or instead of buying 6 donuts just buy 1. or instead of buying a whole pumpkin pie, buy a slice even though that is more expensive. I always use that as an excuse that it was cheaper to buy a whole pie or a whole cake than a slice, but then I’d eat the whole thing.
4. I’m going to start recording my calories again. I know that when I would overeat I didn’t want to face how many calories I was eating so I would avoid it. But I still have the Spark People app on my phone so I can easily start back doing that. The problem with recording calories is you have to measure your food to get a accurate number and that’s a pain in the ass. Most of the food I buy has the calories on it though. Even McDonalds have the calories listed now.
That’s about all I’m willing to change with regards to food, and I don’t know how that breakfast thing is going to work out. Cooking eggs everyday was my boyfriends suggestion, but I like ready-made food so I don’t know. That’s the only thing that is out of my comfort zone that I am willing try. Everyday I already eat a variety of ready-made salads from Trader Joes for lunch and for dinner I eat a microwave meal usually Indian food.
The other changes I need to make is regard to inactivity.
5. My sleep schedule is always off. I sleep till 3pm on most days but sometimes it’s worse than that, I will go to bed at like 8am and sleep till 8pm and then it’s dark outside and I’ve done nothing but sleep the day away and its too dark and scary for me to go outside. I’m going to try to sleep at night at least by 1 am.
6. I tried to start this walking DVD today, I couldn’t even get thru the warm up I was in so much pain. I’m gonna try again tomorrow , I can’t believe I let myself get this out of shape. 2 years ago I was running in 5k races and exercising every day. I’m ready to get back in shape because I actually enjoyed running. I should have never stopped but I know why I stopped. It was hurting my shins and calves and I felt like I wasn’t getting any better at running. It was just hurting because I was so big while running. Now it’s hard for me to even walk, it’s so painful when I walk outside, my back hurts a lot.
I understand how people get to 500 and 600 lbs. because it starts getting painful to move and you want to just give up. You have to have real will power or some sort of inner strength to continue putting yourself through physical pain day in and out, it is too hard. It makes you just want to lay down all day. I feel like I need to go to physical therapy to learn to walk again.
So I remembered I had this walking dvd that I never used from Leslie Sansone called 4 fast miles. It gets you walking at home. The video takes it in parts so you can start with just 1 mile. Well I tried starting with just the warm up and couldn’t complete that. So I will try again every day until I can complete the warm up. I like having a at home workout cause I can workout naked. I can’t fit my exercise clothes and I don’t always feel like leaving the house. I have other workout dvd’s too but I want to start with walking cause that can leas to running and I really want to run.
I’m not going to make a goal to be a figure competitor anymore because that just seems impossible right now.
Right now my goals are:
1. Get back to the point where I can run again and don’t stop running.
2. Get back to where I started last time which was 270 pounds. That’s 50 pounds I need to lose. When I tried losing weight last time, I got down to 230 lbs. on April 21, 2013 and then started gaining it back. I want to try to maintain at 270 lbs now. Atleast for a while. After I’ve maintained for awhile I will make new weight loss goals.
3. Fit my clothes by summer. I’d be happy to be able to fit back into my size 2X dresses or exercise shirts.
4. I will check in weekly, every Sunday, with my current weight and I will post a pic after I’ve lost 20 pounds.
5. Get my blood pressure back into the normal range.