The State of The Mind Today

My life and mental state is so much better now than it was at this time in 2016. I have hope and dreams now. My life is not perfect, but better, and improving daily.

For the past few years, my Aunt, has regularly implored me to get a career, figure out what to do with my life, suggested making exercise videos for fat people. She didn’t understand that just getting out of bed was a stretch for me. I felt life was pointless, I REALLY did not want to be alive and was bitter that my suicide attempts did not work. I definitely did not want to contribute to the act of LIVING. I regularly slept 18 hours a day.

Life is different for me today. It’s still difficult but it’s better.

I have hope that I can accomplish my goal of getting weight loss surgery before I go into menopause.

I have hope I can lose my excess weight permanently.

I have hope that I can improve other aspects of my life such as my romantic life and further education to get a better paying secure career.

I have a dream that I will be happy and successful in all aspects of my life and I will be able to contribute to and inspire other’s. You have to wear the oxygen mask first before you can save someone else with it.

Having bipolar/depression/anxiety, I still feel I can’t do as much as people without these issues. I still sleep a lot on weekends. Working a regular 40 hour a week job takes a lot out of me. I chose the later shift that starts after 10 am, because I have difficulty getting up in the morning. I want to be a good employee so I had to make choices that will contribute to that goal. After work, all I want to do is plop in bed and surf the internet to de-stress.

There is never a point while awake, where I feel the energy or motivation to exercise. It seems overwhelming to even think about starting. So for now I will do what I can do, which is try to work on my overeating calories daily. That doesn’t require much energy at all, even though it is difficult. At this point trying is an improvement.

As for work, Can I keep this job? I hope so. I am trying everything in my power to do so. They are not making it easy, but I refuse to quit. I am not going down without a fight because this job is allowing  me to at least make baby steps towards accomplishing some things and those things will improve my life in the long run. It’s just a small step on the way to something bigger. It’s stressing me out to the point that I have been actively seeking a way to see a therapist and psychiatrist so that I don’t regress mentally.

I compare myself to my siblings a lot, where they are in their careers, their size, relationships, how many friends they have, how much they travel. I also compare myself to other girls my size and their social media influence and reach. Their hair, their makeup, their clothes. How come they look so pulled together and I look a mess most days? My hair is kinda ratchet and I actually PAY to have it look like this, because I don’t have to do anything to it daily. I never do my makeup. I dress comfy but I do at least get some compliments there. I feel like I am so behind and I can’t put stress on myself to catch up. But then I wonder, are all these people lives as awesome as the project online? Am I the only one spilling out my heart and being truly honest?

Everyone’s journey is different. Everyone goes at their own pace. I’m just coming out of an extended low period in my life. Still recovering. I have to take it slow and find balance and peace.

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