Not well

When I got out of the hospital after the last time I tried to kill myself, my siblings said nothing (except for Salimah and Janet). They didn’t even ask if I was ok, at a time when it would have been nice to know someone cared. I have 9 siblings on my mom’s side and 2 more on my dad’s. My brother came to get me from the hospital and I thought we would be closer, but he later got mad at me because I threw his marijuana edibles away that he left in my freezer

I threw it away because #1 – its illegal in texas, he left it in my freezer without permission and had no plans to come back for over a month #2 – I have police at my apartment all the time because people do welfare checks on me #3 – I had a roommate moving in and I didn’t want her to think I was a druggie, I didnt want her to feel uncomfortable here. #4 – I don’t like illegal substances left in my possession without my permission, black people get long prison sentences in this country for possession of marijuana, it was scary having that in my freezer. The bottom line is I was scared so I threw it away.

Anyway, he stopped speaking to me.

I told several people after I got out of the hospital that in order for me to recover I needed people to talk to, I needed people to be there for me

Some were there for me

most weren’t

Like my sister Aiesha/Kyndra I blocked because she would never pick up the phone when I called. I called 30 days in a row and the 2 times she answered it was to tell me she couldn’t talk.

My sister Salimah said she doesn’t like talking on the phone so I cant talk to her

My sisters Fatimah and Bagel live in New Orleans which is only 4 hours away, but they never come to my birthday celebrations saying its because I don’t go to their celebrations, But first of all New Orleans is a serious trigger or me. I have diagnosed PTSD and alot of my trauma occurred in New Orleans and Detroit. So I will never go to either place again unless its for a funeral. But they don’t care about that. It’s all “you didnt do this, so I’m not doing that.”. Family should not be that way.Family should help, not hurt.

I can’t talk to my mom because she verbally and emotionally abuses me. She apologized for attacking me yesterday, but it’s too late.

I love my sister Janet and she does call me weekly, but I can never call her. I can never get ahold of her when I need to talk. She doesn’t answer her phone ever.

So basically I have no immediate family who is there for me when I need to talk. I have some cousins and aunts but they live far away. I do talk to them occasionally but not about anything serious.

To be clear , my 50th birthday dinner was my last straw because:

#1 – They held a celebration of life event for the pedophile who molested me as a child and everyone found a way to fly in, be off work and get there for that because it was a priority.

#2 – I invited everyone a year in advance to my birthday dinner and no one could come.

So that tells me they don’t care about me

Today I was feeling suicidal and I’ve already tried overdosing and I will never do that again because it doesn’t work and last time I did it, I woke up paralyzed. So I have decided that I will have to use a gun to kill myself.

Today I went to the store and looked at 9mm Ruger’s. They are on sale for $259. They are little. Its hard to believe something that small could kill you.

My family literally make me feel suicidal.

I have to cut them off completely.

I dont know what else I am going to do.


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