Here

I’m in Atlanta, I’m at the condo.

Positives of moving to Atlanta

For my aunt, I’m answering why I’m moving to Atlanta

1. I want to get to know my paternal family better. My sister Janet lives there, my brother Clayton lives there, my cousin Briana lives there, my cousins Angie, Syreeta and others live there. I feel excited to start some meaningful relationships. My god sister Niece is there as well. WE’ve been best friends since high school.
2. I know at least 3 people will be at my birthday dinner every year. My birthday means alot to me. It’s the only holiday I celebrate really. As someone who has suicidal ideation, every time I make it to another full year of life, means something to me.
3. I have a free place to live there. My sister is basically giving me her condo for as long as I want to live there for free. I just have to split utilities with her step son. Having the responsibility of providing a roof over my head going away, will relieve ALOT of stress from me. If I’m not always worried about how I can pay rent, that has to leave time and resources for me to get on the road to financial health.
4. Atlanta is a much bigger opportunity for me career wise. Trying to find a decent job in this small town has been nothing short of frustrating. Atlanta is a bigger job market.
5. Theres a lot more to do in Atlanta socially.

Current fears

I have a lot of fear in me right now and it’s almost crippling.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to find a job in accounting when I get to Atlanta. The economy seems so bad right now and I think the jobs are drying up.

The good thing is I won’t have to pay rent so at least if I can’t find a job, I won’t be homeless.

I’m afraid to start delivery driving in Atlanta. Ive heard there are parking issues there for delivery drivers. I don’t know my way around. It’s huge there. It’s not going to be as simple as it was here because my current apartment is in the middle of everything. I would run home multiple times a day for lunch or whatever else, even just to use the bathroom. I think in Atlanta I will be delivery driving in Brookhaven, but I will live in Decatur. So there won’t be quick jaunts home. I’ve a vegan now. It’s hard to find cheap vegan fast food. I mean theres mcdonald’s fries but like what else. I dont want to eat fries every day for lunch while I’m delivery driving.

But the main thing I am afraid of tonight is whether I’m going to be able to make enough money to come back and get all my stuff. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on all this stuff and I don’t even know if I can come back to get it. I’ve loaded my car with the essentials that I need to work in Atlanta. But I’m leaving furniture, tv’s, 85% of my clothes and shoes, like everything. It’s scary. I built a whole life here. I don’t want to start over from scratch. What a waste of money that would be. I know they are just things, but I love my things. I need about $1750 to come back and get my stuff. It’s $100 in fuel to come back to College Station to get my stuff. I need to pay some movers $200 to move my stuff into the U-haul and disassemble my tv’s and take down my curtains. I have to pay for the U-Haul which will cost about $1000 cause I’ll need a car dolly to tow my car behind it. Fuel to drive the U-Haul to Atlanta is about $150. Then when I get back to Atlanta I have to pay $200 for movers to get my stuff out of the U-Haul and into the condo. It’s expensive. Can I earn that money in 3 weeks?, I don’t know but I’m going to try as hard as I can.

I have a lot of fears, but I know everything will be better once this transition is over. I hate transitions and moving. but it is for the best.

The first day

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m leaving for Atlanta in the morning.

Atlanta

I’m moving to Atlanta, possibly this Friday.

I won’t be able to survive through the summer here in College Station, as a delivery driver.

All of the students are gone and no one is placing orders. Like at all. I’m lucky if I make $50 a day.

I’m going to have to abandon my apartment unless I can get someone to sub lease from me. I have ads up to sublet, but no one really moves here in the summer. I think the eviction process will take 30 days. So I will leave my stuff here during that process and hopefully I can come back and get it.

My credit is shot. All of my credit cards are delinquent. I have $1 in my bank account. I have judgements against me for not paying bills. I’m not making money and I haven’t really made a living wage ever. Not in any sustainable way.

My boyfriend is going to give me enough money to get me to Atlanta. My sister, on my dad’s side, has a condo there she is letting me live in as long as I want without paying rent.

My goal in going to Atlanta this week is to see the condo because apparently it’s been remodeled since I saw it last, so I need to know what to bring as far as furniture, etc…

My sisters stepson lives at the condo currently and we will be roommates so I need to meet him and get to know him a bit.

Also, hopefully I can find a job in Atlanta rather quickly and while I’m waiting to be hired I will be delivery driving there. hopefully its super busy there for delivery drivers. Delivery driving there should help me learn the city too.

I plan to live in the condo until I get my finances under control. Pay off my debt. Get my credit score in good standing. Get some savings.

Hopefully this situation will be an upgrade for me.

Therapy

I’m going to miss my therapist. It took me going through 8 other therapists to find her. It’s hard to find a good therapist. From my experience most therapists are lazy. They are not really trying to heal you so you are on a ferris wheel going round and round and never progressing.

My current therapist is the first who told me solutions. How to fix myself.. It’s all inside of me. She gives really good advice.

I hate “coping” strategies. Those aren’t solutions. I want to not need to “cope”.

I hate when therapist just ask a bunch of questions and expect you to do most of the talking. I want solutions, I want to know what I need to do to solve problems, I want to know how to not be so fragile. I don’t want to be tough, but I don’t want to be so damn fragile either.

I want to be able to handle life. I want to be able to deal with whatever is coming at me without trying to kill myself over it.

I want to be free and strong and worthy.

Going No Contact

Since going no contact with my maternal family, I have really felt like I need to be in therapy to deal with it. But therapy cost $60 cash per session and I already owe my therapist for 1 session. I just dont have the money right now. I’m struggling to pay my bills currently and I am trying to find an accounting job that pays more than delivery driving.

Update: I just contacted my therapist and told her I need to be in therapy but can’t afford it. She said I can pay $25 for now. So I’m going to get in therapy ASAP.

What is Meant by Going No Contact? Going no contact means severing relations with your family members to end the emotional, psychological, and physical suffering the survivor has endured. For most, going no contact means having no communication or interaction with the toxic family.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/01/30/family-estrangement-going-no-contact/#:~:text=What%20is%20Meant%20by%20Going,interaction%20with%20the%20toxic%20family.

It works

I’ve noticed this week a good decrease in my appetite.

This Ozempic works.

Job Search

I was going to start my business this month, but i realized I need a lot more experience. There was several aspects of registering the e-file provider information for my business on the IRS website that was confusing for me even after I watched some Youtube videos telling me what I needed to do

I will feel more comfortable after I get some experience doing taxes and more accounting experience.

My temp agency is presenting me to some companies right now. No bites yet though, but it looks promising. There is one I am really hoping to get because it pays $24 a hour, which would be the most I’ve really very made for a full time job.

I have also applied to several accounting jobs on indeed.com and I got some responses, but all three companies were based out of town and they weren’t remote positions. I’m not willing to commute unless its for a very high paying job.

My goal is to work for a year here, save some money, finish out my lease, then move to Atlanta in the fall of next year.

I looked up accounting jobs in Atlanta and there are so many. I mean hundreds. It’s very hopeful. I’ve been looking at apartments in atlanta online and I haven’t seen any as nice as mine but they were more expensive than my current one. I want a big bathroom and a free standing island and a open concept with big tall huge windows. I haven’t seen any like that in ANY price range where I was looking in Atlanta. I’ve been looking in the mid-Town and Atlantic Station areas. My current apartment is a 2 bedroom – 2 bath in a luxury building in a upscale area and it cost $2,000 a month, It looks like in Atlanta to get something similar I will have to pay $2000 for a 1 bedroom. If that’s the case, I need a job that starts at $60,000 a year in Atlanta

Save Yourself

I got really messed up on CBD candy last night

It lasted way too long

it reminds me of Xanax which I haven’t had since like 2010 or even earlier

my doctors won’t prescribe me Xanax and they won’t give me anything that helps my anxiety so it has been such a good discovery finding these delta 9 cbd gummies

people keep telling me to try something stronger like weed but I dont want to do anything illegal and also I don’t need anything stronger, these cbd are too strong as it is

I could not sleep last night, I was up till 5 am

then I slept all day till 3pm

anyway the one message that ket coming thru while I was high is that I have to save myself

I have to get rid of anything that leads me towards self destruction and focus on saving myself

I need to exercise

i need therapy

I have to remove my family from my life cause they are toxic for me, they lead me towards self destruction, I need to save myself

I need time to make myself better and focus on healing