Birthday Fun

I had fun on my birthday. I’ve been taking legal cbd edibles for a couple of days because my mental health was poor this week. These cBD really elevated my mood. I had a great time with my friend Xindie for my birthday. We ended up at a bar in my neighborhood and this hot black guy bought me drinks. I had fun.

Gratitude

Today is my 50th birthday

5 things I’m grateful for:

• My masters degree. I think it holds the key to my future security.
• my apartment, I’m grateful to have a home that I love
• my boyfriend, even though I think in some ways we shouldn’t be together, life would be unbearable without him
• janet, Traniece, Helene, Yasminah, xindie, Marie, Robin, Lisa, ginger, my aunts
• my car, cause it enables me to earn a living
• the universe for guiding me towards ultimate joy

Go where you are loved

My sister Janet and my cousin Helene say I need to cut off my family especially if it is toxic and causes me mental distress.

My sister Janet and brother Clayton think I should move to Atlanta where I have extended family who may be more caring towards me.

My sister owns a condo in Decatur and she says I can stay there for free. My only issue is I don’t want to downgrade my life physically. I live in a really nice upscale neighborhood with shopping and restaurants outside my door and I live in a luxury building and I love my apartment, the way its decorated and the huge windows with the light shining through, a big huge island in the kitchen and my bathroom is huge as well. I have designed a really physically attractive life here. But I do want to move, I just want to move to some place just as nice as what I have here. My mental health is affected by my living situation. It has to be really nice.

Not well

When I got out of the hospital after the last time I tried to kill myself, my siblings said nothing (except for Salimah and Janet). They didn’t even ask if I was ok, at a time when it would have been nice to know someone cared. I have 9 siblings on my mom’s side and 2 more on my dad’s. My brother came to get me from the hospital and I thought we would be closer, but he later got mad at me because I threw his marijuana edibles away that he left in my freezer

I threw it away because #1 – its illegal in texas, he left it in my freezer without permission and had no plans to come back for over a month #2 – I have police at my apartment all the time because people do welfare checks on me #3 – I had a roommate moving in and I didn’t want her to think I was a druggie, I didnt want her to feel uncomfortable here. #4 – I don’t like illegal substances left in my possession without my permission, black people get long prison sentences in this country for possession of marijuana, it was scary having that in my freezer. The bottom line is I was scared so I threw it away.

Anyway, he stopped speaking to me.

I told several people after I got out of the hospital that in order for me to recover I needed people to talk to, I needed people to be there for me

Some were there for me

most weren’t

Like my sister Aiesha/Kyndra I blocked because she would never pick up the phone when I called. I called 30 days in a row and the 2 times she answered it was to tell me she couldn’t talk.

My sister Salimah said she doesn’t like talking on the phone so I cant talk to her

My sisters Fatimah and Bagel live in New Orleans which is only 4 hours away, but they never come to my birthday celebrations saying its because I don’t go to their celebrations, But first of all New Orleans is a serious trigger or me. I have diagnosed PTSD and alot of my trauma occurred in New Orleans and Detroit. So I will never go to either place again unless its for a funeral. But they don’t care about that. It’s all “you didnt do this, so I’m not doing that.”. Family should not be that way.Family should help, not hurt.

I can’t talk to my mom because she verbally and emotionally abuses me. She apologized for attacking me yesterday, but it’s too late.

I love my sister Janet and she does call me weekly, but I can never call her. I can never get ahold of her when I need to talk. She doesn’t answer her phone ever.

So basically I have no immediate family who is there for me when I need to talk. I have some cousins and aunts but they live far away. I do talk to them occasionally but not about anything serious.

To be clear , my 50th birthday dinner was my last straw because:

#1 – They held a celebration of life event for the pedophile who molested me as a child and everyone found a way to fly in, be off work and get there for that because it was a priority.

#2 – I invited everyone a year in advance to my birthday dinner and no one could come.

So that tells me they don’t care about me

Today I was feeling suicidal and I’ve already tried overdosing and I will never do that again because it doesn’t work and last time I did it, I woke up paralyzed. So I have decided that I will have to use a gun to kill myself.

Today I went to the store and looked at 9mm Ruger’s. They are on sale for $259. They are little. Its hard to believe something that small could kill you.

My family literally make me feel suicidal.

I have to cut them off completely.

I dont know what else I am going to do.

What have you done for me lately?

I hate when people in my family say “what have you done for me lately?”

It’s like a tit for tat

you didn’t do this for me so I’m not doing that for you

what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Did you stop coming to my birthday dinner because I don’t go to yours

or did I stop going to yours, cause you dont come to mine

or did you not even throw yourself a birthday dinner in the first place for me to come to?

If someone asks me for something and I can do it, I do it

I hate when people expect you to just know

You should just know its my birthday

you should just know to get me this or that

I need things spelled out for me, that’s just the way my brain works

I believe you should ask for what you want

If you want a specific thing for your birthday, ask for it

If you want me to come to your dinner, invite me

If I have the ability to come or get you what you want, I will

I have asked people for their wishlists to provide them with gifts for years and no one does

I don’t buy random gifts for people, I am not a good gift giver, I would rather you tell me what you want

That’s how I am

I don’t think it’s reasonable for people to expect you to read their mind, or guess

I think it’s gaslighting for people to say “you should just know to do this or that”.

People are different, people’s brains work differently, mine works in a literal capacity, that’s why I excelled in my Masters program for accounting

Anyway, I’ve learned not to expect much from my family

I’ve learned that they dont really care about me so I need to keep distance to keep from being hurt emotionally by them

I have to have strict boundaries, for the most part I stay away from my family and see them as minimally as I can to where they cant harm me

When I complain that no one is coming to my birthday dinner, I am not complaining about my family

I didn’t expect them to come anyway

they never do

I am more disappointed that my friends can’t come, I understand why for the most part but I am dissapointed

one friend can’t come because she just moved and she is a couple hours away. She said she would have to get a hotel if she came and she can’t justify spending the money

another friend , her husband’s birthday is the same as mine so she is spending it with him

another friend has final exams to study for so she can’t take a break and come

Another friend has to work that night

I have one sister who usually flies in for my birthday but she couldn’t this year because she is throwing a pretty extravagant baby shower the next day, which that is understandable.

50th disappointment

I’m really dissapointed

No one can come to my birthday dinner, except my mom even though I invited some people over a year ago, and others I invited a month ago

This is a milestone birthday for me and I was hoping to be surrounded by people I love

Instead its going to be a reminder of how lonely I am, how I don’t have close friends, how no one really cares about me

it’s really upsetting

Going Vegan

Yesterday I decided to transition from being a vegetarian to being a vegan

My friend Yasminah called me yesterday and said she watched this documentary and decided to become vegan

It’s called “what the health”, and it’s on Netflix. It’s not too long so I went home and watched it on my lunch break.

After watching it, I decided to become vegan.

I did google critiques of the documentary and there were many, but some of them seem disingenuous and have alterior motives. I don’t trust a lot of the research they cited, it wasn’t from peer reviewed journals. Some had no citations at all but made claims about research. So yea I decided to be vegan. for health mostly but also for the animals.

I went vegetarian in 2018 for the animals. I wanted to reduce my contribution to the harm of animals.

Now since I was already vegetarian it isn’t a big leap to transition to veganism. The reason I wasn’t vegan before is because I am addicted to cheese and ice cream.

Slowly I have let dairy creep back up into my diet. I’ve been drinking milkshakes almost every day.

I looked in my fridge to see what animal products I need to get rid of and there are sooo many that I have in my fridge.

I’m not going to waste that food so I am going to finish eating it and replace everything with a plant based version.

we’re talking everything from coffee creamer, to pizza, to pasta, to protein shakes

there are plant based versions of all of that stuff

today I added non dairy ice cream, vegan cinnamon rolls, vegan chocolate chip cookie dough, plant based creamer to my grocery pickup for tomorrow. I also found some plant based protein shakes but I’m going to wait to buy them until ive drank all the ones that are currently in my fridge

BTW muscle milk says its non dairy but it is not, the ingredients says it has milk protein or milk ingredients in it. I bought a whole case of it from Sam’s Club. So yea I have alot to drink before I can buy the plant based version.

I’m switching to OWYN, they have it at HEB and Target and its plant based.

Eye sight

My eye sight has been deteriorating for a couple of years now

I thought it was just age that was causing it

but I’m reading a nutrient needs list for vegans and it mentions we need to make sure to get enough vitamin A for healthy eye sight, etc..

so I checked MyFitnessPal to see how much Vitamin A I’ve been consuming and its pretty much zero

I don’t know how many years it has been this way but I wonder if that is contributing to the deterioration of my eye sight

I just ordered a vitamin A supplement

I supplement for quite a few things but I dont take a multivitamin. I supplement for Omega 3, probiotic, prebiotic, B-12 and I take a B-complex vitamin, vitamin D, two of my supplements also have vitamin C in it, I supplement for calcium/magnesium/potassium, and iron

I wonder if I can improve my eyesight by supplementing vitamin a, regardless I just ordered a bottle of it on amazon, so it will be in my routine from now on

Sleep Update

Yesterday and today I woke up at 6:00 am, which is good. I was able to get to work on time today.

I hope this continues.

I started taking ozempic.

I don’t know about these glutide medications

they make me feel weird and sickly

and anytime I am hungry I get sick and nauseous

I hate feeling off, or sick

I might finish this round and then wean myself off of it

I don’t like how I look

Mostly I don’t like the way I look

I took a picture at my friends birthday party a few nights ago and I HATE the picture

I look awful

I’ve decided that I dont want any pictures taken at my 50th birthday dinner in a couple of weeks

I dont want memories of a time when I hated my looks

it’s not even just being obese

I hate my teeth too

I use to get so many compliments on my smile

but now all i see is crooked yellow teeth

I don’t do youtube videos anymore because I hate the way my mouth moves when I talk

I’m just overwhelmingly unhappy with my appearance