I’m not enough

I had therapy today for the first time since quarantine started in March

The session was held thru zoom online

therapy was really good

we delved into the psychological reasons behind my over shopping

it’s a mental issue

not a financial issue

I have issues of having a scarcity mindset

I also don’t feel like I’m good enough

I’ve never felt like I was good enough for my goals and dreams and friends and men

I’ve always felt that I didn’t have what I needed to succeed at my passions or goals

Encounters and experiences from my childhood and teenage years and in my twenties make me feel like I don’t have what I need in life

to achieve the things I want

like a husband

or a high paying job

or to be around celebrities which is my passion

Experiences with certain celebrities and friends in my twenties and thirties and when I was 17 years old, made me feel inferior

so I just buy and buy and buy trying to fulfill what I think I need in life to be who I want to be

I’m trying to fill an emotional hole with physical items

there are different kinds of therapy and therapist, some give advice but I am in i’m in psyhco therapy

I find psycho therapy to be best for me because you pull the issue out at the roots, like removing a rotting tooth

when you deal with the root psychological cause of something and start to heal that, then the behavior changes

I was working on my over eating for 2 years with a therapist before my behavior changed, but now “hopefully” it’s changed permanently

the shopping is not really behavioral

its psychological

that behavior is caused by a psychological problem

if it was purely behavioral or habitual then I could just change my behavior

its not that simple when its psychological

It’s all gone

So dropping my calories worked

I’m back down to 213.8

Hoping to lose 1 more pound by Sunday

Constipation No more?

I just got my Essential Rewards monthly order from Young Living

This month I ordered clear vegetable capsules, Comfortone, Fennel oil and Orange oil

Someone in my Facebook group suggested taking 1 Comfortone and put 4 drops of Digize oil in a clear vegetable capsule.

So when my order arrived I took 2 Comfortone, put Digize in a clear vegetable capsule but I also put Fennel oil in a clear vegetable capsule and took all that

2 hours later I went to the bathroom

the great thing is that it didn’t hurt my stomach

when I take the laxative tea it hurts my stomach

So I think I will take that combination every day from now on

This month’s grocery budget

I didn’t budget enough for groceries this month

I have $100 left in my budget for this month

and I just added up what all I have left to pay for

I have to buy 14 more salads this month = $56

another order of Soylent = $29

4 bottles of salad dressing = $8

and 14 microwave meals = $56

I need $150 total and I have $100, so I will have to put some groceries on my credit card

I really hope they pass a stimulus bill in October

Monthly Grocery Budget

Monthly Grocery Budget:

30 salads X $4.33 = $130

10 bottles of salad dressing x $1.98 = $20

15 cartons of jello = $15

60 microwave meals = $240

60 bottles of sparkling water X .59= $36

2 cases of Soylent X $29 = $58

2 cases of protein water = $44

2 cases of sparkling water for work = $22

4 boxes of oatmeal = $16

_____

$581

Lost Ones

OK so I been eating less calories for 2 days so far

I lost 1.4 pounds, I’m at 214.9 pounds

got 1.9 more to lose this week

and 4.9 more to lose this month to reach my goal

I planned all of my meals out until Sunday on MyFitnessPal

they should all be very close to 1400 calories each day

Gained again

I gained almost another pound, so that makes nearly 3 pounds I gained this week

I weigh 216.3

I’m am in emergency mode

I’ve planned my meals through Saturday already

All below 1400 calories

I looked at my calories last week

half the week I was eating almost 1600 calories and I’m pretty sure that’s how I gained weight

I guess I wasn’t paying close enough attention

I didn’t think eating less than 1600 calories would make me gain weight

Weight Gain

This week I gained 1.8 pounds

Today I weigh 215.8 pounds which is odd cause earlier in the week I had got down to 213

I think it’s because I’ve been eating a little higher calories

Like yesterday I woke at 5:30 am and ended up eating breakfast twice

For the past 3 days my calories have been over 1500

I’m going to lower my calories again to 1400 and try to get back down to 213 for this week

I’ve been waking a lot earlier ever since getting better sleep

Today I woke at 7 am

Staying on top of my health

I haven’t had therapy since March of this year

Me and my therapist kept missing each others calls and then she didn’t call me for a few months

This week I was finally able to get in touch with her

I start back with therapy tomorrow

We will be doing it online

I need to stay on top of my mental health

I have some anxiety issues, overspending issues

A high Sodium Day

I ate a lot of sodium today cause I had 3 corn dogs, that was 1500 mg of sodium just for that, my sodium will be super high today, almost 4000 mg, I can’t buy those corndogs anymore even though they were deliciius.

I drank some laxative tea cause I’m sure that sodium will clog me up

What I ate today:

Breakfast : Super Grains Honey Almond Instant Oatmeal (210 cal), Soylent Stacked (180 cal), NingXia Red (25 cal)

Lunch: 3 corn dogs (420 cal), Fiber gummies (10 cal), Liquid Fiber (10 cal), Protein Water (70 cal), sparkling water (10 cal), 1 T of Fat Free Honey Dijon dressing (20 cal)

Dinner: Goli (30 cal), Sausage & Homestyle Gravy Bowl (290 cal), sparkling water (10 cal)

Snack: 2 cups jello (10 cal), sparkling water (10 cal), Omega 3 (20 cal), small garden salad (50 cal), 5T Honey Dijon Dssg (100 cal), 3 Goli (45 cal)

Total calories: 1,530

Macros and Nutrition:

Protein (70 g), Carbs (244 g), Fiber (33 g), Sugar (81 g), Fat (39 g), Sodium (3,605 mg)

I have a free pizza credit at dominos, I’m waiting for a day when I need to reFeed, it expires in January

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