7 whole days

Several things occurred in my life the past 7 days. I don’t want to go into detail on here because this blog is primarily about weight loss and being healthy. Overall I consider it to be a more positive blog.

I will say that I’m in the process of seeking medical treatment. I was in the hospital this week and that was making the situation worse, so I am going to seek other treatment.

In the hospital they weighed me and I was at 286 pounds. So I lost 7 pounds since I last posted my weight at 293 lbs back on January 7, 2018. It’s been a month and I didn’t TRY to lose that weight. Life stressors cut my appetite. However the hospital food was very fattening and I may have gained all that back.

I don’t know if I will still have a job after this.

If everything turns out ok, I have decided to start some form of exercise for mental health purposes. Previously I exercised for weight loss.

People say exercise helps your mind and I was never open to that because that wasn’t my experience. Maybe it will be different this time.

Gotta try everything.

 

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This past week

Ate better, only went over on my calories 1 day

Last week was hard, I talked to a bankruptcy attorney because I may have to file bankruptcy to resolve some financial issues, not even all of them

if it will help, that’s fine

I was physically ill this weekend, I slept a lot, didn’t eat much

Now I showered, washed my sheets, feel so much better.

The State of The Mind Today

My life and mental state is so much better now than it was at this time in 2016. I have hope and dreams now. My life is not perfect, but better, and improving daily.

For the past few years, my Aunt, has regularly implored me to get a career, figure out what to do with my life, suggested making exercise videos for fat people. She didn’t understand that just getting out of bed was a stretch for me. I felt life was pointless, I REALLY did not want to be alive and was bitter that my suicide attempts did not work. I definitely did not want to contribute to the act of LIVING. I regularly slept 18 hours a day.

Life is different for me today. It’s still difficult but it’s better.

I have hope that I can accomplish my goal of getting weight loss surgery before I go into menopause.

I have hope I can lose my excess weight permanently.

I have hope that I can improve other aspects of my life such as my romantic life and further education to get a better paying secure career.

I have a dream that I will be happy and successful in all aspects of my life and I will be able to contribute to and inspire other’s. You have to wear the oxygen mask first before you can save someone else with it.

Having bipolar/depression/anxiety, I still feel I can’t do as much as people without these issues. I still sleep a lot on weekends. Working a regular 40 hour a week job takes a lot out of me. I chose the later shift that starts after 10 am, because I have difficulty getting up in the morning. I want to be a good employee so I had to make choices that will contribute to that goal. After work, all I want to do is plop in bed and surf the internet to de-stress.

There is never a point while awake, where I feel the energy or motivation to exercise. It seems overwhelming to even think about starting. So for now I will do what I can do, which is try to work on my overeating calories daily. That doesn’t require much energy at all, even though it is difficult. At this point trying is an improvement.

As for work, Can I keep this job? I hope so. I am trying everything in my power to do so. They are not making it easy, but I refuse to quit. I am not going down without a fight because this job is allowing  me to at least make baby steps towards accomplishing some things and those things will improve my life in the long run. It’s just a small step on the way to something bigger. It’s stressing me out to the point that I have been actively seeking a way to see a therapist and psychiatrist so that I don’t regress mentally.

I compare myself to my siblings a lot, where they are in their careers, their size, relationships, how many friends they have, how much they travel. I also compare myself to other girls my size and their social media influence and reach. Their hair, their makeup, their clothes. How come they look so pulled together and I look a mess most days? My hair is kinda ratchet and I actually PAY to have it look like this, because I don’t have to do anything to it daily. I never do my makeup. I dress comfy but I do at least get some compliments there. I feel like I am so behind and I can’t put stress on myself to catch up. But then I wonder, are all these people lives as awesome as the project online? Am I the only one spilling out my heart and being truly honest?

Everyone’s journey is different. Everyone goes at their own pace. I’m just coming out of an extended low period in my life. Still recovering. I have to take it slow and find balance and peace.

Blog Update

My sweets addiction is out of control. I don’t know if my period is due and that’s why or what. I wish I could afford that medication I was on previously that helped with my sugar cravings but my health insurance won’t pay for ANYTHING until the $6,000 deductible is paid.

I’m reading my old posts and I don’t see that I’ve updated several things.

  1. I purchased a car so I have transportation to work. I wanted to pay $2000 cash cause that’s what I had saved, but was unable to find anything decent (something that wouldn’t breakdown and leave me stranded or fall apart in 6 months). So I purchased a good used Honda Accord from my mom’s mechanic. It was $5000. I paid the $2000 which I had saved and a family member loaned me another $1000. The guy I purchased from is allowing me to make monthly payments, interest free, to pay off the remaining $2000. That’s the reason I can’t start saving for weight loss surgery right away.
  2. I pay $140 a month for health insurance thru my employer. They don’t cover anything till the $6,000 deductible is paid, so I am thinking of canceling it and using that monthly money to pay a psychiatrist/therapist/Rx’s out of pocket.
  3. I weaned myself off all my medication because I couldn’t afford it and it was preventing me from being able to work cause of sleep issues. I need different bipolar med which requires a dr. RX but can’t afford to see a Dr.
  4. I drastically cut my food/grocery/eating out budget so I can pay off some bills so I can save for weight loss surgery.
  5. I post what I eat in a day thru MyFitnessPal by logging my calories. Not sure if you are able to see that if you add me as a friend on there.
  6. I drink a lot of water at work, but at home I drink calorie free iced tea and 15 calorie lemonade.
  7. I haven’t been to therapy since I started working last July. It conflicted with my work schedule. Last week I called to set up therapy again. Need to conquer my dysfuntional eating habits, which may be a psychological issue.
  8. I haven’t had coca cola , cereal or a donut in months. I do eat other junk though.
  9. At some point I thought it would only take a year to save the money for WLS. That was wishful thinking.
  10. Obviously I never moved to Indonesia. It was not practical and there were legal residency issues.
  11. Looking at past posts it looks like I only eat poorly. That is not the case. Some days I eat healthy, some days I don’t go over my daily calorie goals. I just tend to post when I eat poorly and don’t usually post when I am eating healthily. I have been unable to stick to a regular healthy eating plan even with cheat days. If I had no problems with willpower, consistency and diet compliance, I wouldn’t be obese.
  12. I moved in with my mom to improve my life and it is better overall. I am working on all my goals. There have been some setbacks, but I am moving forward.

Getting Money for Gastric Bypass

As I’ve done in the past I am trying several methods to get gastric bypass surgery. I was quoted a price of $6500 to get it from Dr Joya in Mexico.

Dr. Joya Reviews

If you’ve been following my journey, you know that insurance denied me and my most recent weight loss surgeon said I do not qualify anyway as I don’t have any obesity related medical conditions. He required several tests to be done which I blogged about on this website. Now I owe him money and didn’t get the surgery.

I am unable to qualify for any official loans or financing.

My only option now to get the surgery is to self pay.

In the past I lived hand to mouth, not enough income to save at all, some times not enough money to live. I was never able to get the money to self pay.

A relative offered to loan me $3500, so now I just need to get the other half plus hotel/plane fees.

 

Snack Tip

I gave up vending machine candy/cookies/chips for my New Years resolution goals. I use to buy that stuff EVERY day from the vending machine at work. Instead I purchased from the grocery store , bulk boxes of 100 calorie packs of various cookies. Somehow it’s been working so far and I’m not overeating them. I’m surprised.

My Fitness Pal

Without trying, I have lost 8 pounds since my last weigh in , in October 2017. I eat crappy as heck. But I do regularly moderate how many calories I am eating. Also I haven’t been drinking much alcohol , be lucky to get a alcohol drink once a month or every other month..

I wonder if I ate less calories cause of NutriSystem? Hmmm… well I got rid of NutriSystem but still tracking my calories via MyFitnessPal.

If you have MyFitnessPal, leave me a comment with your username and I will find you and add you as a friend on there. We can support and encourage each other.

 

 

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