Struggling

I am really struggling with my diet

I have been overeating for about a week now and its really bad

last night after I ate my caloric goal

i got out of bed and drove to mcdonalds and got a large fry and a vanilla ice cream cone

I should mention that I was drinking alcohol before I did that, so I don’t know if that influenced me

but that’s not all

I came home and ate a whole box of granola bars that did not belong to me

I don’t know who they belonged to but I feel so ashamed

and I’m scared shitless that I am going to gain all my weight back

after I just got rid of my entire wardrobe cause it was too big

This eating last night really scares me, I cannot make that a habit

I need to self correct over the next four days

I need to see if my therapist can help me with this, this is really concerning

It’s not just my eating I am struggling with

I am overspending again, I feel like I can’t stop shopping

and

I’ve been dreaming about texting my ex boyfriend

and I’m not getting enough sleep, I keep waking up really early

Something is wrong I feel, I’m just not sure what it is that is motivating these behaviors

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New Wardrobe

My coworker said my clothes are too big on me. It’s time for a new wardrobe for real. Even my feet have gotten a half size smaller. I was a size 11, now I’m a 10.5.

My pajamas are too big, my coat is too big. All my sweaters I wore last winter are too big.

My bras are big on me too. I had on a size 48DDD bra the other day. I measured myself today and I am a 42G. Bras are so expensive. I do have quite a few size 44DDD bras though so I’m going to wear those until I can’t anymore.

I can’t fit any of my workout leggings, so even if I wanted to start working out, I’d have nothing to wear.

I bought 2 dresses today, total $43 cause we had a Buy 1 Get 1 Free Clearance at work.

I came home and ordered 2 sweaters, 1 from Lane Bryant and 1 from Torrid. They were pretty cheap, the lane Bryant one was only $10

I need a new coat but I think I will wait till November to buy it, so I can see what size I will be. I don’t want to waste money.

Tonight I went thru all my clothes and pulled out everything that was a size 4X, and anything that was a size 22 – 28. I can’t fit any of that stuff. The size 22 pants are baggy on me which is so frustrating. The only thing I have an abundance of is tops. A lot of them are size 3X but I’m going to wear those till next year. Yea they are a little big cause I’m a size 2X now, but they don’t look too bad, I don’t think anyway.

I’m going to try to sell all that stuff to Plato’s Closet or on Facebook Marketplace. Put whatever money I get towards my new wardrobe.

 

Edit Update: I decided to get rid of the size 3X tops too, they are too big. I need to wear clothes that fit me.

Spending too much money

Friday, I broke my no-buy and bought some jeans, a shirt and a cardigan that were on clearance at work. Clearance was 50% off. I spent $60.

Saturday my car went out on me again. In the past 2 months I’ve spent over $500 on it. I managed to get it to Firestone on Sunday and they replaced my alternator. That cost $400. So my sister loaned me $400 to cover that cause I was freaking out. But I’ve spent over $900 on my car in 2 months. This is very frustrating.

Then what I thought would happen, happened. I broke my No Buy and went on a shopping spree. I only bought clothes cause my clothes are getting too big for me, but on Sunday we had a 60% off shopping party, so I bought about $75 worth of stuff. I bought a pair of jeans, a bra, 5 pair of panties and some perfume.

Monday I went to take the GRE. it was extremely stressful and I thought I did horrible. I thought I got a 192 cause I counted wrong. I got a 138 on Quantitative (math), and 154 on Verbal (english), I haven’t received my Writing scores yet. But as you see that totals 292, so I did much better than I thought I did. The average for Texas A&M grad program is 302. When my writing scores get added, I will probably only be 6 points off from the average which is really good.

I caught a Uber home from the GRE, then I took a Uber up to Firestone to pick up my car which seems to be running fine so far.

Tuesday I decided to start applying to the grad schools I want to go to. The application fees and transcripts totaled over $300. My sister and my mom were unable to help me with that cost so I put it on a new credit card cause I’ve maxed out the other 2. Then I totally screwed up one of my applications that cost $125. I applied to the wrong Accounting program. So I wrote the admissions office and asked if they could fix my application, they said no, I will need to apply again to the correct program because the applications are different, they can’t just change it. Right now I’m trying to see if they can give me a waiver so I don’t have to pay another $125. I don’t have this money y’all.

I’ve been in a bad mood for about 2-3 days and it scared me cause I was wondering if maybe I was getting depressed over breaking up with my boyfriend. I got so scared, I haven’t been in a terrible mood for awhile. I’ve been pretty happy the past year. Depression is very scary, especially the kind I get, where i can’t get out of bed, I don’t shower for weeks, I want to kill myself. So it really is scary for me to have a normal emotion like sadness. Anyway, I slept for 12 hours last night and I woke up today in the best mood ever. So cheerful.

Today, I went to dinner with the girls to a peruvian restaurant . I had a black bean burger that was out of this world delicious. This reminds me, I need to write a review on yelp for that restaurant. It was outstanding.

So Feeling a lil bad for myself having to spend all this money on my car and school, I shopped online at Shein today and bought more clothes. My total was $54 including taxes and shipping. I bought 3 dresses and a shorts set. So including the clothes I bought on Friday and Sunday I spent $189 on clothes in the past 7 days. All on credit cards, which sucks.

I’m making a commitment to go back to my No-Buy starting now.

4w3

I took a free Enneagram test from https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test

It’s a personality test that can give you some insight into yourself.

I find this to be extremely accurate.

I am most likely a type 4.

Taking wings into account, I seem to be a 4w3

Enneagram Type 4 – The Individualist

Identity seekers, who feel unique and different

4. The Individualist

People of this personality type tend to build their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow different or unique; they are thus self-consciously individualistic. Fours tend to see their difference from others as being both a gift and a curse – a gift, because it sets them apart from those they perceive as being somehow “common,” and a curse, as it so often seems to separate them from the simpler forms of happiness that others so readily seem to enjoy. Thus, Fours can manage to feel superior to others while also secretly harboring some degree of longing and envy. A feeling of being a member of the “true aristocracy” alternates with deep feelings of shame, and fears of somehow being deeply flawed or defective.

Fours are emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated. They have a tendency to withdraw in the face of a world that seems harsh or crude, and are often somewhat moody or temperamental. They are emotionally centered and spend much of their lives immersed in their internal mental landscapes, where they feel free to cultivate and analyse their feelings. A desire to manifest this internal world often leads Fours to an interest in the arts, and some do become actual artists. Whether artistic or not, however, most Fours are aesthetically sensitive and concerned with self-expression and self-revelation, whether it be in the clothes they wear or in the overall nature of their often idiosyncratic lifestyles.

Fours are somewhat melancholic by disposition, and under stress tend to lapse into depression. They also tend to be self-absorbed, even under the best of circumstances, but when unbalanced, easily give way to a self-indulgence which they perceive as being fully justified as a way to compensate for the general lack of pleasure they experience in their lives. Rather than look for practical solutions to their difficulties, Fours are prone to fantasizing about a savior who will rescue them from their unhappiness.

Intellectual Fours tend to mistakenly type themselves as Fives, and a heavy wing can certainly exacerbate this tendency. Fours however, unlike Fives, tend to be self-revealing and comfortable with emotional expression.

Wings

Usually one has characteristics of one of the types that lie adjacent to one’s own that are more prominent. This is called the wing.

Type 3 – The Achiever

Focused on the presentation of success, to attain validation

Threes need to be validated in order to feel worthy; they pursue success and want to be admired. They are frequently hard working, competetive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals, whether their goal is to be the most successful salesman in the company or the “sexiest” woman in their social circle.

Size 18

Y’all, I tried on size 18 jeans at work today and they fit! They were a little snug but they fit and I could button them and everything. So I’m going to buy a pair on Sunday with my 60% off employee sale. By the time I start wearing jeans in November , I will be able to fit them well.

Yea all my clothes are way too big for me. I wore a size 4 dress to work today and I tried on a size 2 dress at work. It fit perfectly. I hate to get rid of my clothes that are too big cause they are so cute. Argh, that’s the only thing that sucks about losing weight. Having to buy new clothes all the time.

Oh yea and I broke my no buy and spent $61 on clothes today. I bought 2 tops, a dress and a cardigan for $61 That stuff was on clearance for 50% off. My job clothes are expensive, I think I’ve mentioned before. I do have $40 cash to put towards that because my paycheck was more than I expected and I had budgeted to spend $22 already. The rest of it is going on my store credit card and I’m ok with it. I just hope I don’t start breaking my no-buy all the time

Bye 270

I’ve been struggling to stay under 270 pounds.

If I overeat on one day , my body likes to jump to 270 pounds

it’s really absurd

I’ve gotten down to 267 at least three different times

Today I weigh 268 pounds

I really want to stay below 270 pounds for good, so I think I need to get to like 265 to never go up to 270 again

I dunno, but I’ve been eating rather well caloric wise

Today I had a Impossible Whopper from Burger King, it was so good and only 630 calories

the Beyond Meat burger I usually get has over 900 calories so I’m happy with the Impossible Burger and it tastes just like a regular Whopper

I heard Kentucky Fried Chicken is coming out with a fake chicken product, I am SO excited to try it

I’m so happy so many places are embracing vegetarian options, there’s more and more people becoming vegetarian every day

there’s no reason most people need to eat animals

Hopefully I’ll be below 270 when I weigh in on Sunday

I look at my weight loss chart and notice my weight loss has majorly slowed down. I lost 1 pound in August. I lost 2 pounds in July. I lost 4 pounds in June. I lost nothing in May.

I might be hitting a plateau and I don’t think I will do anything to push through it. Just maintain where I am and what I am currently doing. Maybe it will adjust.

Breaking up is hard to do

I broke up with my long term boyfriend today. We had been together since 2011. I just wasn’t getting what I needed from the relationship and I felt like it was holding me back in a lot of ways. I feel like I need to stand on my own two feet and respect myself.

Anyway, I’m just hoping I don’t emotionally eat because of this. I don’t think I will. I think I am strong and I am ready to do what is right with my life.